April 30, 2019 – How DO you greet people in Croatia? Handshake, air kiss, cheek kiss, hug? Taking a tour of the uncertain world of the etiquette of Croatian greetings.
At first, I thought it was me, in fact, I was sure it was.
I have always been socially awkward with the opposite sex. I put it down to my Jesuit education in a posh Catholic British boarding school for 9 impressionable years. Back then it was a single-sex school (with all the fun that involved), and I simply never got to meet girls. There were none where I lived, and I was about 16 when I had my first conversation with one. It didn’t go well.
My first kiss was a last-minute lunge at a sixth-form disco at my boarding school (sorry Jo W – I hope you went on to marry someone magnificent), as all eyes of my peers were upon me. I was the only guy in our gang who had not ‘scored’. It never occurred to me until much later that young Jo was under the same social pressure from her girls boarding school mates, and we were both equally desperate as we found each other for those few minutes, which allowed both of us to claim we were magnificent Casanovas.
The relationship did not progress far.
Being British and living in England, I could hide my social ineptitude behind a stiff upper lip, a strong handshake and (my preferred method of communication) the nod.
And then I moved to this country, and I discovered that Croatian greetings were about to torture my inner soul.
Everyone seemed to be embracing everyone else, and there was a lot of cheek kissing action. Not that I was against such an interaction, but it led to my first awkward moments which served to push me further into my shell. As with the Sign of the Cross, we Brits do it the other way to people in Croatia when it comes to the double cheek kiss. Whereas here you would move right to kiss the left cheek of the person you are greeting, we head left to kiss the right cheek first. And so the obvious result when you have traditional Croatian greetings mixed with a socially inept Brit, is that you meet in the middle.
Which is great if you are compromising on something, but not quite the same once you have inadvertently kissed a few people on the lips by mistake.
I needed another strategy.
The handshake seemed too formal, the nod too remote. I continued to struggle with it, but at least had been converted to the Croatian way of kissing, so there were no more embarrassing compromising moments in the middle. I often thought what it must be like for a woman on the receiving end of these kissing greetings, especially one who did not want her personal space invaded.
But I still struggled, and it was something which came up during my chat with my two female colleagues, Lauren and Dani. During the conversation, I realised and pointed out that I had never even touched Lauren via handshake, kiss or hug in the three years I had known her. She informed me that I had once put a hand on her shoulder, but that was it. Dani, on the other hand, is someone I would kiss and hug each time we meet. Both are amazing and attractive human beings, and yet, my approach to both was totally different. I had no idea why.
And I felt even more of a geek.
I decided to explore the topic of the etiquette of Croatian greetings, to find out what I was doing wrong and what I should be doing right. And where better to start than a post on my Facebook wall?
It turns out that I was not alone in my confusion, not by a long way.
One of the first responses was from a close female friend (Croatian) who I never touch (I might even have failed to at her wedding):
There are a lot of wild huggers and kissers out there, my tactic is to wait awkwardly until the other person initiates contact, then look awfully panicked as I see them enter my personal space. The weirdest one is the air kiss – like how far do we have to be apart? Do the cheeks touch or not??? I am so stressed out by all that.
Wooo, there is a lot to deconstruct here. We will come back to the personal space, but let’s deal with the kiss first. Air kiss on contact or the cheek kiss. Some respondents claimed that air kisses were fake, apart from the specific situation where fresh lipstick had been applied in which case they were real. More people seemed to think that the air kiss was the way to go, and even this should be avoided and downgraded to a handshake in winter, claimed one, for there were too many illnesses going around. I have always been of the impression that a little light cheek contact was called for. Unless you have the great fortune to be able to invade the personal space of an uhljebnica, in which case sloppy cheek kisses are essential.
And make sure you stop your cheek kiss count at two – going for a third would turn you someone who air kisses Serbian style.
And that, apparently, is not on.
One of the next respondents was from a business partner just a few years older than me, who said that it should be about hugs, as older ladies love hugs. And I found myself remembering and responding that I have her mentally as a hugger, and we do hug each time we meet.
I found myself analysing various female relationships I have and realising that I do have a mental etiquette for Croatian greetings for each, but without any real justification. And, a little like my contact-free relationship with Lauren, there are others who probably feel as awkward as me. One young business partner, whose company I enjoy immensely, I have a really good relationship with. The only slight moment of doubt is the greeting, and we seemed to have somehow moved into hi-fiving each other as our modus operandi.
The advice kept coming.
From my experience if you’ve never met them a handshake is in order. If you are somewhat familiar perhaps a kiss on either one or two cheeks but you will need to read body language. The ladies will either want to kiss you or not. Never kiss three times this is strictly reserved for our orthodox neighbours. Hugs…well this is a modern phenomenon and not one used by Croats to greet you. If you are true friends the side hug or frontal hug can happen but there has to be a reason i.e. haven’t seen you for years or you’re going away for a long time.
And it was suggested that hugging was imported:
If you ask me, hugging is an American custom, not at all common here. If we are close to someone, we kiss, if not, we shake hands, we are quite formal. Hugging is for kids, weddings, late night triumphant celebrations… Nevertheless, I do have to admit that hugging, through American movies, has become more popular among adolescents.
For others, the issue was clear cut:
Actually, it’s easy: if we are related by work, we’ll do one nice, strong handshake, next time, same day, a nod is enough. If you are part of my family, like an uncle or something, we can do the double cheek kiss, we can but we don’t have to, it depends how happy you are to see me. If we are very close, in any way, and didn’t see each other in a while, then we’ll hug. If you want to congrats for my achievement, and you are a guy from work, or uncle, or close friend, you will both handshake me and double cheek kiss me. Everything else is just weird.
Incidentally, I met the person who posted this one above a few days later on Korcula. She laughed as she saw me and gave me a hug.
More sensible advice followed:
Pay attention … a woman will tell you with her body language … and it is a proper etiquette … the man never initiates contact, not even a handshake … if a woman wants to nod she nods, if she wants a handshake she extends her arm … if she wants a kiss she will come closer for a kiss … not that complicated, women lead/initiates men follow/respond.
I really like this suggestion. It takes all the stress away from me. Let someone else take the lead. Perfect! But then when I read the advice again, my heart sank. If I knew how to pay attention and read a woman’s body language, my life would have been a lot easier than it turned out…
And then I got the most comprehensive advice of all from young Tihana.
Hugs, Kisses or Handshakes
Stick to handshakes
Firm handshake and look in the eyes will do.
I would recommend this when it comes to official and non-official meetings with women.
Keep the distance, do not kiss and hug when you see the woman for the very first time.
In case you meet woman for the first-time face to face but you have been communicating via e-mail, fb… that will depend. On her of course ?.
However, I would again stick to the handshake for the first time. Just to be sure.
Croatian women do like what is called „zone of intimacy “protected. But I think this is not typical only for Croatian women.
Hugs and kisses are reserved for friends and people you know well and trust them well. I would dare to say you have to earn them. So, if you consider yourself the one, then you can kiss and hug in following situations:
- greetings
- birthdays
- condolence
- arrivals, departures
In case you are in the hug and kiss zone than you should know this:
- left then right cheek – do not kiss just (pretend kissing)
- hug – make it honest, protective but short and discrete (do not press too hard she might think you want to feel her boobs). I’m saying might think because with a woman you never know.
- KISS TWICE – LEFT THEN RIGHT CHEEK. (Three times is Serbian /orthodox way so in Croatia that is NO GO). No one will kill you but they will consider you ignorant.
- Unless you are good friends and/or associates do not touch her hand to console her
Few extras:
Towel at the beach
Keep the distance otherwise you will be considered a jerk. That is what we think about all tourists that simply have to glue their towels to yours even where there is enough space on the beach.
Presents
Buy presents only to friends and what friends would buy for one another. In case it is a business meeting there is a universal list of presents so stick to that. As anywhere in the world. I suppose.
Buying drinks (to unknown or not so known women)
That can go wrong on so many levels. ?. Do not do it if you do not know woman/women and/or if there is no good for a reason.
In case you know women than that should not be the problem. Even better, ask first if they would like to have a drink, another round… if not do not force it. (Some nationals tend to do that, or they bring you the drink anyway and put everyone in a mildly awkward situation).
(Here I’m not referring to a situation when a man wants to meet a woman that is another story, quite similar as everywhere in Europe I would say.)
But, everything I wrote are just general guidelines. For example, today many people travel and know the ways of interaction of other nations. So, in case you cross the line that does not necessarily mean you will be considered impolite, just ignorant. Everything depends with whom you interact. It also depends on generations. For example, if you meet my grandma for the first time, she would kiss you and hug you and try to make you feel at home. That is what she did to my partner when she met him for the first time and trust me, he felt embarrassed.
My best friendly advice firm handshake, look in the eyes that will do. Then build on that.
So now you know – at least one more opinion.
But we still haven’t talked about guys greeting guys.
I thought this would be easier. The handshake, perhaps the nod, what else is there?
I don’t think I had ever kissed a man on the cheeks before I moved to the Balkans (perhaps when I was working undercover in the Soviet Union, come to think of it), but it is a regular thing here with family. And also, of course, if you happen to be approached for a cheek kiss by a Tirana mafia boss, when I was too scared to resist, but that is another story.
Do Dalmatian guys hug more from those in Zagreb, for example? I don’t know, but it was interesting talking to a male friend yesterday, who says he always hugs his close friends when he returns to Dalmatia, but has never done the same in Zagreb, even with his best man.
I suspect that there is no definitive answer, and there are probably a lot more people worrying about their personal space and what the right approach should be than just me. So that makes me feel slightly less inadequate.
It has been interesting to see just how many conversations my FB post has generated in recent days as I have been travelling around the country. Everyone has an opinion, and none are the same.
I also find that it is an excellent conversation starter, asking a woman their views on the matter. I will use it from now on at dinner parties.
And what have I concluded from all the above pearls of wisdom?
Each person is different, but my new strategy is to become a female body language expert and wait for the ladies to make their move. Given my total inability to read women, this will probably end up in worse situations than accidental lip kissing. So if I am behaving rather oddly as you approach, I am just trying to figure out your body language to give you the appropriate Croatian greetings.
Be gentle with me, and feel free to put me out of my misery and take the lead.
