Ever wondered? No, they’re not politicians.
Croatia is a beautiful serene croissant of a country situated in the heart of old Europe.
Pristine beaches, ancient civilizations, a diverse culture and astonishing safety created a tourist hot spot that is visited by millions every year. But people of the world – be warned! Danger is all around you! I know it may seem like paradise, but paradises have serpents as well. There are monsters around you, prehistoric beasts and unsuspected predators. But worry not! This list can help you prepare.
1) Dalmatian dog – Who’s a good boy? Who’s an ancient war, now, firefighter dog? You are! Dalmatian dogs are world known, with their unique black or liver spotted coats. Friendly, border defenders, cute, and good with taxes, Dalmatian dogs are all you can wish for, but… DANGER! If you get a litter of them, let’s say around 100 of them, you will be targeted by the fashion mafia. Croatia is not good in fighting organised crime, so you’ll be on your own.
Protip: Don’t bring dog biscuits to a gunfight!
2. Sea urchin – If sea urchins are the sign of a clean sea, give me pollution! The main problem with the Croatian coast is these little pesky monsters! The sea is so clean, they’re everywhere. I stepped on one in my bathtub! Sure, they’re easy to spot and who doesn’t love to use metal needles to poke out biological needles out of their soles? But still, the audacity of these funblocking echinoderms!
Protip: Revenge – they’re edible.
3. Olm – What’s an ”olm” you ask? You don’t know?! How embarrassing for you! Let me wiki it up for you:
”The olm is an aquatic salamander, the only exclusively cave-dwelling species found in Europe. In contrast to most amphibians, it is entirely aquatic; it eats, sleeps, and breeds underwater.“ It is an endemic baby dragon! Will it ever grow big enough to kill us all and steal all the beach properties by bribing the local politicians? Maybe. In the meantime, this little fragile creature is called the human-fish in Croatia. I guess it’s because of the similar skin, but I bet, to fish, it sounds like some sort of superhero name. Human-fish! It can swim and vote, but doesn’t, because all the candidates look the same, so it just swims! Human – fish! Hoorah! Possible danger – nightmares. It does look like something from a Hollywood horror movie that goes into your ear and takes control of your brain, you know, some sort of alien fish that controls humans, some kind of…human-fish.
Commons/Ranko
4) Mosquito – Kill it with fire, kill it with arrows, get some black powder from China, and blow them up! If that doesn’t work, invest in technology, and develop new machines of murder and destruction. We need planes and tanks. New ways of annihilation. Position gases, bombs, nuclear energy! We’ll go full nuclear! We have to enrich uranium, build bombs, sell bombs, make nuclear pacts, break international treaties and use our power of veto to stop the opposition, and then nuke those damn mosquitos! The ones in Croatia don’t carry any problematic diseases, but the danger comes from sleep deprivation and scratching yourself to death.
Protip: Put nuclear weapons in space.
5)Date shell – The date shell is a piece of work. Looking like a normal mussel from the Miocene, just chilling in the rock, but it’s not! DANGER! The date shell is a hardened criminal! Corrupting weak minded people into this vicious criminal cycle of hunting, selling and eating them. This is all illegal in Croatia! The extraction of the shells requires the dismantling of the rocks where they live and can lead to desertification of the coast. But, the date shell doesn’t care, offering money and champagne to those naive enough to do it, risking huge fines and prison time.
Protip: Just say no!
Commons/Hectonichus
6. Human – Not just any human. The one you see in the mirror. That thing you see in the reflection is a very complicated animal, burdened with eons of unsupervised upgrades. Is there some old reptilian hardware somewhere inside? Some unfragmented virus DNA software? Who knows? But sometimes, this animal does very strange and dangerous things, such as deciding to swim between the islands because it’s ”only five miles,” or deciding to climb up mountains in flip–flops. On the hottest day of the year in all of Europe. Without water. And this happens every year. So these homosapiens are the most dangerous animals you can meet in Croatia. And that is you.
Protip: Evolve!
